


I’m looking down on you smiling, and I didn’t feel a thing so, baby, don’t feel no pain, just smile back

by angelica_barnes



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Divorce, Falling In Love Again, Fluff and Angst, M/M, sort of breaking up and getting back together but not really but sort of?, struggling marriage
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-28
Updated: 2018-04-28
Packaged: 2019-04-29 04:28:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,316
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14465019
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/angelica_barnes/pseuds/angelica_barnes
Summary: Zayn is never home, really. And his daughter misses him, his family misses him. His husband misses him.And Zayn's still completely in love with his husband, even if they don't get to see much of each other anymore.But is Liam still in love with him?





	I’m looking down on you smiling, and I didn’t feel a thing so, baby, don’t feel no pain, just smile back

**Author's Note:**

> title taken from "When I'm Gone" by Eminem

It all fell apart at his hands, I guess.

_ ZAYN! _

_ Malik! _

_ Baba! _

Zayn closes his eyes and presses his lips together, the cold metal of the ring burning his finger.

_ Zee. _

There’s a photo ripping holes in his pocket, and Zayn can’t possibly take it out. But he needs to, doesn’t he?

_ Daddy! _

Oh, Liam.

_ Zee. _

 

 

-

 

Liam’s eyes were the thing that drew Zayn to him, fifteen years ago.

Brown and warm like melted chocolate, and just radiating kindness and empathy and absolute love, and sometimes Zayn isn’t really sure how he ever lived without them staring into his own.

And now they’re the reason he’s fallen apart.

“Baba…” Alexandria mumbles in her sleep, and Liam turns his heartbroken eyes and focuses them on his husband; Zayn brushes Alexandria’s hair from her face and she nuzzles her face into Liam’s neck as the man cradles her.

“Zee,” Liam whispers, and Zayn is forced to face his husband’s pleading expression; “Zee, stay. Alexandria needs you.”

Zayn touches Liam’s face gently and kisses him, soft and sweet and slow like when they were young; “I love you. I’ll be back in the morning.”

Liam says nothing.

 

 

-

 

His marriage isn’t supposed to be falling into shambles; Zayn knows it’s his fault. It’s not like he’s about to blame Liam for slowly ruining this thing they have, because Zayn was the one who started it, who got down on one knee, who brought home adoption papers, and so now he’s the one that’s ending it all.

I mean, he’s not, he loves his husband too much to let him go so - easily. But he is, isn’t he?

Alexandria’s young eyes are soft when they watch him, his every move. His back cracks, spine twitching, and she notices. “Daddy’s crying,” she says, “why aren’t you with him?”

Zayn’s hands stop writing for just a moment, instead shaking with the need for a cigarette or thick fingers wound around his, and he turns and rushes down the hall to Liam’s room; he knocks gently with a hand on the doorknob and murmurs, “Li? Li, baby, please let me in.”

There’s silence and yet muffled sobs; “Liam. It’s me. Baby, please.”

Alexandria toddles over to her father and he sighs, bending down to pick her up. Her tiny fingers curl around the fabric of his shirt and hold on tight, and he rocks her and keeps on whispering his husband’s name.

 

 

-

 

Liam slips into bed beside Zayn about an hour later, and Zayn immediately turns to kiss Liam’s lips, perhaps a bit desperately. Liam’s arms wrap around him, gripping with a force that can only be described as fear;  _ Don’t Let Me Go. _

“I love you,” Zayn whispers, pulling his husband as close as he possibly can, “I love you so much, Liam.”

And Liam just kisses him again; “I love you too,” he assures, “I love you too.”

Zayn falls asleep curled in Liam’s arms, his nails having scratched red marks into Liam’s back; pain to him is love.

 

 

-

 

“You promised me forever,” Liam murmurs, their young daughter sleeping as she’s draped across Liam’s chest, and Zayn looks up from where he’s been softly sifting his fingers through Alexandria’s hair.

“I know,” he answers in a whisper, and then he looks back down at their little baby girl, the faint hint of a smile on his face. “I know.”

Liam’s silent for a moment; “I don’t want you to give up on us.”

Zayn shakes his head, the smile finally showing as he looks up at his husband; “No, hon. I wouldn’t.”

Liam leans over and kisses him, a little sadly, and the salt of his single tear is sour on Zayn’s lips.

“Shhh, don’t cry, love. I’m right here. I’m always gonna be right here.”

 

 

-

 

Alexandria wakes Zayn up with a tug on his hand. He sighs and yawns, stretching and wincing as his back cracks; then he stands and picks her up. They go down to the kitchen, where Zayn makes her a bowl of cereal and then writes a note telling Liam he’s going out for milk.

His daughter sits at the table patiently waiting, knocking her feet together in a steady rhythm. He drops a kiss to her head and says, “Tell Daddy I love him. I love you,  _ jaan _ . Baba’ll be back soon.”

Alexandria nods and offers a smile; he gets a call from her a little while later, “I think you should come home, Baba. Daddy’s crying again.”

Zayn curses and abandons the milk, rushing home to find Liam curled up with his arms around his knees and his head hanging. He kisses Alexandria’s cheek and murmurs that he’ll see her in a minute, but she should go upstairs; he kneels down in front of Liam.

“Baby. Baby. Liam, baby. What’s wrong?”

Liam suddenly unfolds himself and launches into Zayn’s arms, burying his face in the soft fabric of Zayn’s black coat, and Zayn rubs his back and kisses his hair and shushes him; “Shhh, shhh.”

“Why’d you leave?” Liam whispers, and Zayn’s brow knits together.

“Because we were out of milk and I needed some for Alexandria’s breakfast. Why’s it matter, love?”

Liam squeezes Zayn tighter, pulls him closer; “I thought you might not come back.”

Zayn gasps; “Oh, baby… I’m always gonna come back to you.”

Liam says nothing, but he shifts and Zayn can feel lips press against his neck.

 

 

-

 

“Why’re you always leaving?” Liam asks softly. Zayn turns around, from looking in the mirror as he adjusted his bowtie; he kisses Liam quickly and smiles.

“I’m not going, baby.”

Liam pulls away angrily; “Yes you are,” he shouts brokenly, “I just want my husband to stay with me for one night!”

Zayn sighs, “We’ve done this before, hon -”

“Together!” Liam yells. “We’ve been together for it! I never had to go a day without you. Now I’m going weeks.”

Zayn looks away and Liam stuffs his hands into his jean pockets; “Your daughter needs you, Zee. She cries herself to sleep when you’re gone.”

Zayn’s eyes snap up and he rushes to hug his husband, kissing him softly and gently; “Okay. Okay, I’ll stay.”

“Just tonight or forever?” Liam asks, voice muffled by Zayn’s clothing as he snuggles into him.

“Both,” Zayn decides, and Liam hums, accepting that for now.

 

 

-

 

Zayn isn’t quite sure what to make of it when he finds his daughter curled in a ball in the corner of the bathtub. She’s sleeping, chest rising and falling steadily, and she whimpers and stirs only a tiny bit when Zayn picks her up. He rubs her back and reaches down to get her little blanket, which he gently curls her twitching fingers around.

He tries to keep his footsteps as soft as possible as he carries her down to her room, but suddenly he hears a whisper coming from his and Liam’s bedroom. He looks up towards the sound, and Liam’s tired eyes are focused on Zayn and the girl in his arms.

“Let her sleep with us,” his husband says hoarsely, in that ‘I just woke up’ voice, and so Zayn carries their daughter into the room and hands her to Liam, pressing a kiss to his husband’s head as he takes out the earbud still dangling from Liam’s ear.

Then he slips into bed beside them and tangles his fingers with his husband’s, so Alexandria is pressed securely and comfortably between them.

It’s the best Zayn’s slept in awhile.

 

 

-

 

Zayn heads inside the house quietly. Liam’s probably asleep because Zayn had pressed a kiss to his husband’s hair before he left; “I love you.”

Alexandria is sitting at the kitchen table with a glass of milk and a coloring book, some crayons scattered around. Zayn sighs in exasperation and walks over, slinging an arm around her and leaning down to look at what she’s been doing; “Whatcha drawing, baby?”

His daughter giggles and turns to kiss the underside of his jaw; Zayn almost freezes, because Liam used to do that, back when they were both young and energetic and crazy in love.

“Why aren’t you in bed?” He says, and Alexandria shrugs.

“Daddy was exhausted,” she whispers. “He kept waking up and saying that he had to wait for you, so I told him to go to bed and that I would wait instead.” Her voice drops to an even softer tone, “He didn’t hear me. He was already asleep.”

Zayn just nods, unsure of what to say. So he lifts his daughter into his arms and carries her upstairs, tucking her in and murmuring an, “I love you, baby.”

Then he heads to his own room, where he finds Liam sprawled out with his earbuds still in and a book lying upside down on his stomach. Zayn breathes in sharply; “Oh, Li.”

 

 

-

 

“You left,” Liam says, voice low and soft but  _ angry _ . Zayn looks up from the dishes, covered in suds and soapy water. “You left without telling me.”

“Yeah,” Zayn murmurs. “Sorry.”

Liam shakes his head. “Don’t bother.”

Zayn slowly puts down the plate he’s holding and dries his hands, walking over to his husband. He sits down next to him and reaches out just one finger to touch the back of Liam’s hand; Liam shifts his hand forward just a little bit to wrap around Zayn’s.

“Talk to me,” Zayn whispers. “Li.”

Liam sighs, “I miss you.”

Zayn smiles sadly and takes Liam’s other hand in his, their wedding rings glinting in the kitchen light. “I promised you forever, didn’t I?” Zayn says softly. “I gave my heart to you, and I won’t let you give it back.”

Liam nods mutely and Zayn scoots his chair over so he’s right next to his husband, never disconnecting their hands. Liam’s forced to look at him.

“I love you,” Zayn whispers, and Liam leans forward to press his lips gently onto Zayn’s.

Zayn kisses back with everything he has, lifting his hands out of Liam’s to pull him closer.

 

 

-

 

Alexandria comes downstairs a few minutes later, and Zayn pulls away from Liam to smile at their little girl; he opens his arms and she walks over to him and lets him lift her up onto his lap.

A wide grin spreads across Liam’s face; Zayn is allowed to hope that this means his family is safe.

“How’d you sleep, baby?” Zayn asks quietly, and Alexandria hums, too entranced by playing with Liam’s fingers to answer.

Zayn smiles and leans over her head to kiss Liam again, soft and gentle, and he can feel Liam’s lips curling into a smile.

It’s almost like good old times.

 

 

-

 

“Do you ever think that maybe we should just give up?” Liam whispers, a few nights later and they’re both lying on opposite sides of the bed, facing away from one another, and Zayn can feel the tears beginning to gather in his eyes. He takes a shaky breath, biting his lip to try and keep himself from crying.

“What do you mean?” He asks, and he hopes his voice isn’t wavering as much as it feels like.

It’s silent for a moment, and then Liam says, even softer, “Divorce.”

Zayn suddenly sits up in bed, turning on a light and whipping towards Liam, and his… Liam sits up too, looking at Zayn as the older man tries to breathe.

“Zayn.”

“Do you want to?” Zayn whispers brokenly, because first and foremost is what Liam wants, always. He doesn’t dare look Liam in the eyes.

Liam opens his mouth, but then closes it, unsure of what to say, and Zayn stands and heads for the door. “I’ll sleep downstairs tonight then,” he says, voice breaking.

Liam doesn’t try to stop him and Zayn cries himself to sleep.

 

 

-

 

The papers come in the mail with a bunch of ads and bills, but Zayn drops everything else and stares at the envelope that holds the end of his world.

For a moment, he considers hiding it. And then he remembers that as much as this is the end to him, it’s a fresh start for Liam. So he walks into the kitchen and puts the thick package on the table, and Liam immediately looks up at him, away from Alexandria. Zayn smiles sadly.

“Lexi, baby, why don’t you go play for a little bit?” Their daughter looks up at him and Zayn knows that he’s going to start crying any second so he waves his hand just a small amount. “Go on,  _ jaan _ .”

Alexandria looks worried - such a smart child, Zayn thinks - but stands and takes her things out of the room, and he can hear her footsteps on the creaky stairs. Then he turns back to Liam, blinking to keep the tears at bay.

“So,” he says, or croaks, more like. “We might as well get started, huh?”

And Liam looks over at Zayn, taking in the sight of the man that  _ he’s _ promised forever to, and he pushes the envelope away and takes Zayn’s shaking hands in his.

“No, baby,” he murmurs. “No, we’ll do it tomorrow, okay?”

Zayn just nods and tries to keep himself from kissing Liam, or worse, hoping that he’s changed his mind.

 

 

-

 

_ “Why won’t you stay, Zayn?!” _

Zayn remembers the shouting, the pleading, and he knows that this is right for Liam as he signs the paper, trying to stall for as long as possible because he wants Liam to be his husband, that’d be enough -

_ “She’s your daughter, and she needs you, is that not enough? Is she not enough? Am I not enough? Are we not enough, Zayn, because you can tell me and I will take our baby and get out of your life. Goddammit, Zayn, I need you. I need you.” _

I need you too, he thinks, and then the “k” in his last name is finished and he’s handing them over to the lawyer, who stuffs them into his bag and Alexandria, clinging tightly to Liam’s leg, begins to cry.

“Hey, baby,” Zayn says softly, squatting down and opening his arms for his daughter to run into; she does, and Zayn squeezes his eyes shut as the tears make their way forward.

“You promised Daddy forever,” Alexandria mumbles, though she’s choking on tears and her voice is heavy with misery and lack of sleep. “Daddy says you should never break your promises.”

Zayn pulls away, a few of the tears falling, and Alexandria brushes them away with her tiny thumbs, bottom lip stuck out in displeasure. He smiles sadly at his daughter, praying that she grows up to be just as strong and beautiful as Liam; he knows she will.

“I know. But sometimes two people just aren’t right for each other,” Zayn says, as gentle as he can. But Alexandria frowns, brow knitting together in quiet anger.

“Well, I think you two are meant to be. And maybe you would see that if you guys just  _ tried _ .”

Zayn breathes out shakily and kisses his daughter’s head, a single tear landing on her skin, and then he whispers, “Maybe, darling. Maybe in another world. I love you, okay? Now go with Daddy.”

Alexandria kicks and screams and cries as Zayn leaves, desperately trying to claw her way out of Liam’s arms, but he holds her close and strong.

Zayn’s never felt more lost in his life.

 

 

-

 

Zayn hasn’t slept in three days. He supposes that’s why he’s confused as to where he is when he wakes up with his head on the dining room table. I guess he passed out from exhaustion. 

The thing is, Zayn hasn’t slept without Liam or Alexandria for fifteen years, so how could you expect him to be doing okay in the suite he’s rented out in a hotel, until he can find an apartment.

He hasn’t lived alone, either.

And so he does something that he hasn’t dared to do in awhile - he calls Harry.

“Hey, Hazza,” he says, voice hoarse, and when Harry’s concerned “Are you okay?” cuts through he starts crying, sobbing uncontrollably and frantically wiping at his tears. 

“Oh my god, Zayn, Louis, come here for a second, I’ve got Zayn on the line, no, you can’t talk to him -”

Silence. 

“He’s crying, Lou.”

And then Zayn tells them everything,  about how Liam doesn’t love him anymore and his baby girl is gone and he’s alone, he’s really all alone now and they stay on the line until he falls asleep.

This time, he wakes up in the bed, and he knows that somehow Harry and Louis figured out where he is and tucked him in.

 

 

-

 

He goes back home - no, he goes back to Liam’s house to pick up Alexandria, since it’s his turn to take her out. He picks her up and he’s sure the bags under his eyes show; he must look awful.

But his little girl still squeals when she sees him and he picks her up and gives Liam a soft, “Goodbye,” ignoring the concerned eyes on his back as he walks away.

Alexandria is beautiful, and wonderful, and Zayn kisses her face and fingers and belly button because  _ god _ , he’s missed her. And Liam, he misses Liam -

“How’s Daddy?” Zayn asks quietly, and Alexandria hums thoughtfully as he pushes her again, so the swing flies higher.

“He’s okay, I guess,” she murmurs. “He doesn’t talk much anymore. And he hasn’t slept very well since…”

_ Since I left, _ Zayn doesn’t fill in, and his heart soars with hope before he crushes it back down, because he can’t be  _ thinking _ like that.

He doesn’t tell Liam he loves him when he drops Alexandria off, but he thinks about it.

 

 

-

 

Zayn doesn’t dress up for the last time he’ll see Liam as his husband and not his ex. Instead, he wears Liam’s Batman shirt that he stole the night he left and some old blue jeans, a pair of beat-up sneakers. And Alexandria is at Harry and Louis’ house, hopefully not bawling in Harry’s arms as Louis tries to cheer her up by cracking little jokes.

“Alright,” the lawyer says, stacking some papers. “It’s all done. All you have to do is sign here and then we’ll take the rings.”

He pushes forward a paper and Zayn reaches for the pen but something stops him.

Liam’s hand on his, pushing it slowly away from the table, and Zayn doesn’t put up a fight. Instead he lifts his head to meet Liam’s sweet, soft brown eyes, which are filled with love now, instead of worry and sadness.

“No,” he says, all quiet and hush-like. “No, I’m not giving up on us. We both promised forever, not just you. And I don’t break my promises, especially to the people I love.”

Zayn can feel the beginnings of a smile and he whispers, “Me?”

Liam smiles, nodding and taking Zayn’s face in his hands, “I love you, Zayn.”

And then he kisses Zayn, for the first time in what feels like so long, and Zayn melts into it. His fingers grasp the front on Liam’s shirt and he pulls his husband - his husband! - closer.

“I love you too,” he whispers breathlessly, and the lawyer is smiling at the two of them with a soft look in his eyes. “I love you forever.”

Liam smiles and pecks Zayn’s lips once more; “Me too. Now let’s go tell our baby girl that she doesn’t need to worry.”

 

 

-

 

And when they get to Harry and Louis’ house, Harry opens the door with Alexandria in her arms and Zayn and Liam share a secret smile before lifting their entwined hands. Zayn can’t help himself, he lets out a girlish giggle.

Their daughter screams excitedly and throws herself out of Harry’s arms and into her fathers’.

Zayn nuzzles his nose into her hair and Liam kisses the side of his head and finally, finally, Zayn feels completely happy.


End file.
